Column

You Know You're a Fleeter if …

Yeah, it's confusion season in Wainfleet once again. It's like all that rain waterlogged the melons out here and we were wearing them between our shoulders at the time. It's like the new postie trying to figure out if 9L95 is east of 21L119 or divisible by the house across the road at 105100.

Besides having the stupidest street numbering system in Canada, Wainfleet is a perplexing kind of place. Weekdays, it's a “truckfest” out here. The septic trucks are loaded down and driving east (it's called waste management in these parts), while water trucks are spilling over and coming the other way. The Wainfleet Ratepayers Association should stage a race as a fundraiser to help fight the Big Pipe, which is not a solution, but an invitation to developers to make Wainfleet look like Mississauga. Lakeshore Road – Sunday at two o'clock, $100 bets only. Septic trucks against water trucks and losers have to shower under the other guy's hoses.

I think the whole township would come out to watch, but we have no idea how many people that would be because most are residents, but many are not. Cottagers pay taxes here but their primary residences are elsewhere, many in the United States. So in Wainfleet, you're never really sure if you're talking to a farmer or a foreigner.

Yeah, it's confusing. But here's a few points of clarification to determine if you're a ‘Fleeter' or just a weekend greeter.

You know you're from Wainfleet if you think the guy who keeps track of the bidding at Port Cares' silent auction must be a mime.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you have new respect for the township council since they let the potholes get big enough to serve as wading pools for the kids.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you're a farmer and you're tired of trying to explain to Revenue Canada why feed corn is no good to eat.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you only noticed the empty shell casings on the new walking trail after you slipped on the horse buns and then tripped over the dirt bike rut.
You know you're from Wainfleet if after assessing the performance of the new mayor, you're now thinking about term limits. Like, one and she's done.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you believe the collapse of the housing market in the U.S. could have been avoided by putting more rebar in the concrete.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you could kill those druggies that planted marijuana in the middle of your crop filed because that's how the Mounties discovered your corn liquor still.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you booked a two-week camping vacation at Nashville's Bible Park before you found out it was “dry.”
You know you're from Wainfleet if you feel your social circle shrinking with the closure of the dump.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you believe those massive windmills in Lowbanks would generate a lot more energy if they turned.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you got caught downloading One Night in Paris, and in order to convince your wife it was a travel video, you now have to take her to France.
You know you're from Wainfleet if your family reunion was picketed by MADD.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you hope the new “English only” rule on golf courses doesn't apply to the worm pickers.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you completely ruined you son's “birds and bees talk” with the example of the “transsexual crossing guard.”
You know you're from Wainfleet if you believe the big bucks they're paying those Jamaican fruit pickers I the reason your unemployment cheque is so small.
You know you're from Wainfleet if “Plumbing for the Outhouse” is on your Bucket List.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you think the Chinese restaurant should put their take-out food in different coloured Styrofoam containers than the ones you keep live bait in.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you've asked Benny Hinn for your money back, because after donating money to three TV Home Revivals, your dog is still deaf.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you own an infield VIP pass to Humberstone Speedway.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you know exactly the number of bales of hay the spare bedroom will hold.
You know you're from Wainfleet if the Welcome Wagon lady is also your parole officer.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you're stuck with that stupid chandelier you bought at the estate sale because nobody in the family seems to know how to play it.
You know you're from Wainfleet if you told your husband letting the band rehearse in the basement was a bad idea and now he wants you to swear under oath you knew nothing about the pyrotechnics.
And finally, you know you're from Wainfleet if you find it strange that the three executives at the Niagara Health System who are trying to shut our Port Colborne Hospital down in order to save money earn, sorry, take home $310,433.58, $177,602.73 and $184,916.33 respectively. And the top dog? The president and CEO? She used to be a ‘Fleeter'!?