The vast majority of people who seek professional advice already know what their problems are and quite probably, what solutions will be suggested. That's precisely why I will not pursue the professional services of a sleep consultant. I already know how that session is going to play out.

Sleep Consultant: "What's the problem?"

Me: "You know, I'm glad you're sitting down, Doc, because I'll bet you've never heard this one before...I can't sleep."

Sleep Consultant: "Not at all?"

Me: "Well, I sleep fine for the first four or five hours then I'm wide awake for three or four hours."

Sleep Consultant: "Any idea what's causing this problem?"

Me: "No, not really. No stress. No anxiety. I'm tired. I want to sleep, but I can't."

Sleep Consultant: "Are you disturbed by some sort of sound?"

Me: "Well, sometimes I might hear snoring?"

Sleep Consultant: "Your wife snores?"

Me: "Well, I don't know. She might. But she lives in another city so unless she snores really, really loud.."

Sleep Consultant: "Then who?"

Me: "My dog, Jake."

Sleep Consultant: "Well, why don't you just shut the bedroom door?"

Me: "What good would that do?"

Sleep Consultant: "Well, you might not hear him snore."

Me: "We sleep in the same room."

Sleep Consultant: "In the same room!"

Me: "Okay, the same bed."

Sleep Consultant: "Well, there's your problem."

Me: "That's not the only problem."

Sleep Consultant: "What else."

Me: "Nightmares."

Sleep Consultant: "When did the nightmares start?"

Me: "When he was about five. I think they involve handcuffs and house cats."

Sleep Consultant: "So you sleep with a dog that snores and has nightmares?"

Me: "Plus there's a fair bit of farting going on."

Sleep Consultant: "Audible?"

Me: "Yeah, but those might be mine. Truthfully, I think that's what triggers his nightmares but hey..let him get his own sleep consultant."

Sleep Consultant: "What do you do when you can't sleep?"

Me: "I usually listen to all-night radio.a bunch of wackos selling growth hormones, conspiracy theories and religion."

Sleep Consultant: "And this helps?"

Me: "No, but it convinces me that I'm the most normal person on the planet."

Sleep Consultant: "Do you ever get up.maybe get a warm glass of milk?"

Me: "I used to but the pain was too much."

Sleep Consultant: "So you get headaches in the middle of the night?"

Me: "No, I stub my toe on the damn ramp every time I get up at night."

Sleep Consultant: "Ramp?"

Me: "Yeah, I had a ramp built into the end of the bed."

Sleep Consultant: "So you have trouble getting in and out of bed?"

Me: "Not me, the dog. It's a dog ramp."

Sleep Consultant: "Why?"

Me: "Because he's 13 years old and I don't want him jumping up and putting stress on his back knees."

Sleep Consultant: "So let me get this straight - you sleep with a dog who snores and has nightmares and comes in and out of bed on a ramp."

Me: "Plus sometimes he'll try and push me out of bed. I don't think he means to, he just straightens out his legs and pretty soon I'm clinging to the edge of the bed."

Sleep Consultant: "And you can't sleep that way."

Me: "Actually I can but before long I have this recurring dream in which I'm falling off a cliff and I wake up screaming."

Sleep Consultant: "Which causes anxiety and therefore insomnia."

Me: "No, actually he seems to sleep right through it. Maybe my screams are muffled by his nightmare whining and barking, I don't know."

Sleep Consultant: "Is that about it for all the noise?"

Me: "Did I mention the squeaking?"

Sleep Consultant: "Your dog squeaks."

Me: "No, but sometimes he rolls over on his Mister Magic Froggy and the frog squeaks. It's the cutest thing."

Sleep Consultant: "Have you thought about having the dog sleep in another room?"

Me: "I tried that and it didn't work."

Sleep Consultant: "Why not?"

Me: "There wasn't enough room for both of us on the couch."

Sleep Consultant: "What about making him sleep on the floor?"

Me: "No, my back couldn't take it."

Sleep Consultant: "So how long have you had this problem?"

Me: "About seven years, now."

Sleep Consultant: "And how long have you had this dog?"

Me: "About seven years now."

Sleep Consultant: "Do you see any correlation between your sleep problem and your dog?"

Me: "Ah ha. So you think the problem might be contagious?"

Sleep Consultant: "No, no, no. The problem is you and your dog sleep in the same bed amidst snoring, farting, screaming, whining and barking!"

Me: "Well, I knew all that before I came to you!"

Sleep Consultant: "Well, the only thing I can tell you is you must seek professional advice."

Me: "You mean go see another sleep consultant?"

Sleep Consultant: "No, you need to see a psychiatrist, probably a whole team of them. Frankly Mr. Thomas, you're nuttier than Michael Jackson mainlining Fruit Loops."

Me: "Well, that's easy for you to say. You don't listen to all- night radio."